Positive and negative but hey, one step forward.

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Typical. When the internship has only been one week and my back decide to break down.

Hey guys! Last week (w. 15. 7 of April to 10th of april) I had my first week at the internship, like I wrote a little bit on the last post. Today was supposed to be the start of the second week – well supposed and supposed.. It is but sadly I had to stay home today.

L u m b a g o is back and it seems to really dislike me. It actually started one day during the internship. I felt the pain when I was around the kids so I said straight out “nooo nononononononooo” and my supervisor asked me what was wrong so I told her and last night it came.

Woho. Hopefully I can go back to the internship tomorrow if my back allows me. Normally I have lumbago for a week so pray for me 😵‍💫

Positive things during all this is that I have learned all 35 kids names and trust me, that has been hard. So I’m actually a bit proud of myself on that part and it is actually a big / huge step forward for me due to my memory loss due to stress and depression. So yay! 》I also have realized that (ok this might not be as positive but on same time it is) my body won’t be able to work with 1-3 year old children due to lifting, holding them etc. I love children but I have to listen to my body for once.

If I’m able to go back to the internship this week, I’m actually changing location to try and see how the next stage of preschool. 4-6 year old kids. I have met almost everyone of them  – some (even at my place with 1-3 year olds) has been sick and had week off due to Easter break. But I still know their names and how they look like. They have their names and a picture of them on their dressing shelf (outdoor clothes. I dont really know what it calls so lets go with that).

An other positive thing is that I can continue with what am doing when moving in shadows! I promise I will tell you all later but for now. Shhhh 🤫

A negative thing; I bought new phone due to this phone’s OLED display panel is ruined and I was hoping I would get the phone pretty fast (normally within few days in Sweden) but sadly.. I don’t know when I’m gonna get it. I just got an email from the company that they are still waiting on the delivery of the phones to their warehouse. So I hope this phone holds on for a bit longer. I’m scared it will die on me and I have my banking, buscard etc on my phone.  So I’m nervous, scared and extremely frustrated on the whole situation!

The phone wallet case has arrived though so I can protect the phone. But to be fair, I bought this phone as a present for myself when I graduated nurse assistant school and it’s about .. two or three years ago? Ohmygod. So long ago. I rarely change phones. Some people change often and here I come, with a phone that i bought years ago and before that I had my other phone for 4 years. Lol! So no I don’t spend a lot on technology except headphones. My laptop is 9 years and still working even with cracked frame. Lol!

Oh well, as they say, “someone who’s waiting on something good, never waits too long” (den som väntar på nått gott, väntar aldrig för länge). I think it’s just a swedish expression / saying but I can be wrong..

Spring is here. Finally. I will show you guys pics i have taken lately (Easter, weather changing within two days etc)  soon.

I need to go rest now due to the lumbago. So I’m gonna put the phone away and listen to music while in bath, hoping that the pain will atleast get a little better.

Happy New week! And let’s kick .. ass.. Sorry it came up in my head. Maybe I should learn to not wrote everything that pops up in my head.

Bye my beautiful souls.

OLED DISPLAY PANEL SMASHED

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✨️ C H A O S ✨️

I did actually blog last Friday and wished you all happy Easter and showed photos from my day with family. But, it didn’t post.. it failed and when I was going to look and fix it so it would be published, it was gone.

Plus, my phone fell off a shelf when I was doing the dishes so it smashed onto a frying pan, in water, busted the display so it smashed the OLED panels on the display so I had to emergency empty the phone of medias I want to save ans pray to God that the phone will be with me til Friday when I hopefully get the new phone I just ordered.

I googled on how to get the green tint on screen gone and it says – due to it being a malfunction in the system and oled display panel, it can’t go away and they recommended me to empty the phone because when this happen, apparently a phone only survive a few days before the screen completely die.

And get it to a workshop to have the screen changed would cost me €400‐€600 .. and that is just the display.. My new phone i just bought cost me €1200.

Sure I actually love my Samsung S23 Ultra, I do but a new one cost as much as a S25 ultra so I upgraded. Hopefully in the future I will be able to fix the screen on my beloved s23 ultra but for now..  I have to try adapt to the S25 Ultra. I was looking on S26 Ultra but ohmygod it was €700 in price difference! No thank you!

So yeah, here’s why I have been quiet a bit.

Also I have been arguing with the school and internship about the times but sadly it didn’t work but M managed to fix his work schedules so I could attend the internship. First day starts tomorrow! So four weeks forward. Waking up 4.30 daily.. not looking forward to it.

I need to stop with positivity

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Why is life so unfair?

Today I left school crying. Tears falling down my cheeks like Niagara Falls. I’m broken. Heartbroken. When finally something good happens in my life, its always something that will go wrong.

Seven months left. That is all. Seven months and I would be done with my education.  Unfortunately it ended today. Why? Because of the internship I was supposed to have in two weeks.

Let me take it from start;  I have been in contact with my supervisor ONCE (per email. One answer from her)  and I got the schedule for my times at the internship which I had to message back, explaining about E, his autism diagnosis,  school situation etc with him. I thought we would be able to work things out.. Like it has been done on all other places I have had internships at.

Then my teacher got an email in class so she came up to me and read it. They will not be able to adjust the schedule and said a lot more. This broke me. The teacher left the class after a short amount of time (well, pretty much instantly after she read the message) and I could feel how close my tears was..

So I packed my stuff and left. I went home. I called Michaela and cried!

Note that the supervisor has NOT messaged me anything about this.

I really wanted this. I really wanted to be able to work with special need children and later on study to become a preschool teacher.

But if I don’t have an internship at a preschool, I will automatically fail and therefore they will kick me out. I can’t continue.

So Sadly, my education ends today unless a freaking miracle happen.

So I think from now on, I need to stop with thinking positive about things, stuff, happenings etc. Because when ever something good happens to me, something will always knock me down and ruin things.

Anyway, rant over. I’m going to bed. Hopefully I can get some sleep. Due to all emotions, etc., today, I fell asleep when I came home, and I know that will mess up my sleep tonight, so let’s hope. Haha!

Finally! Bring out the big guns!

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Spring is officially here and i couldn’t be more happy!

Hello darlings! I hope you all are doing wonderful!

The winter is officially gone here, where I live. Well, we still have snow, but it’s melting away so fast! TIME TO BRING OUT THE BIG GUNS! (no weapon!) I can finally walk outside in my Crocs! Oh, how much I have been waiting on that! Yes... I use Crocs. Lol!

Moving in the shadows. That is one line that goes on repeat inside my head. That line, or “move in the shadows, babe.” I have seen too much of Charlotte Dobre on YouTube and even listened to her “podcast” on Spotify. Hilarious one! 10/10 recommend if you wanna laugh.

And moving in the shadows is exactly what am doing. What am doing I can not tell yet 🤫

Anyway, last time I posted here, I wrote about the new glasses. I have now been wearing them 24/7 (not really, but from the moment I wake up till the moment I go to sleep), and I can honestly say this will be a long two weeks to get my eyes used to them. Luckily I only have a week left-ish before I need to go back to those I bought the glasses from.

But so far I have noticed I see a little (just a teeny tiny bit) better with glasses on, but only when I see near/close, but I struggle a lot with looking a bit ahead. So hopefully it will get better soon, or else I just have to go back and have them fix new glasses in the glasses which I know will cost me. a lot of money. Sadly.

As you can see, the size of the glasses is massive compared to my sunglasses. It looks so funny but hey, I get alot of stares and looks but I dont care. I have no more energy to care about stuff like that.

✨️ working on my mental health and stepping away from negativity ✨️

I just noticed in my calender that in three weeks I have the four weeks long internship at a daycare (1-3 year old children). This time I will be at an other place due to problems on the last one. I was supposed to be a student, follow the supervisor and watch & learn but I got “thrown in” as a teacher instantly which I didn’t like (no problem at all but I didnt have experience in this working area). I used the motherly instincts that came automatically so I told my teacher what happened so she magically managed (after months!) finally found a new location for me.

Am I nervous? Yes.  I don’t know how that location is. Will they accept me? Will they be rude towards me? Etc. Wouldn’t be the first place people would’ve been rude towards me there for this question.

So let’s hope that this time I will have a better experience 🤞🏻🤞🏻

Well, this is scary.

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Eye vision changed due to the antidepressant medicine. I told my doctor and nurse I had to immediately stop.

The worst part is, due to me noticing that my eyesight had changed all of a sudden, I made an appointment with an eye doctor and bought a brand-new pair of glasses. They cost me €300, and when I picked them up… I couldn’t see in them.

I bought those kinds of glasses so I can use them for near- and long-sightedness, or whatever it’s called. I could only sort of see at short sight… not long. So the staff who were handling the glasses told me to wear them daily for two weeks. If I still couldn’t see, I would come back.

They are big, and honestly, they are so ugly I had to get them. Yes, they are really shaped like this. Not round like a circle, and that’s one reason why I had to have them.

The shape and the size. I hate seeing the frame when I wear glasses. Sure, I still see the frame, but it’s not that much, so it doesn’t bother me, honestly.

I hope my eyes change so I can see correctly in them. I pray to God. Or else I have to pay even more money to get the glasses changed in the frame, and I have no desire to do that.

It’s scary how much my eyes have changed in numbers of my vision. I had 1.25 in my left eye, and now I only have 0.75. That’s crazy! On shorter time than a month! It’s scary, and I’m terrified!

Back to the doctor and nurse … I went to an emergency appointment with the doctor last Thursday (12th), and I requested to have the nurse with me due to me not understanding the doctor so well due to language barriers.

They told me to immediately stop with the medicine, and luckily I hadn’t taken any that day. They gave me a new medicine that I’m trying out now, so let’s see how this one works.

I honestly feel a little bit better in my mental health but way far from being 100% or atleast close to it. I am more happy now (ish) and I have started with something I can not write about here.. not yet. so its a secret. But I will tell you guys with time so stay tuned 🤫🤭 

Much love my beautiful souls and thank you for coming back here, commenting and sharing love ❤️

Ai helped to get what I never could imagine

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On my last post I wrote how much I hate AI but also like AI when it comes and does good things. I also wrote that I would try to get a picture with my dad and me, and AI made that happen, so I decided to take it one step further. Make a family picture of me with Mom and Dad. They turned out so good except my mom doesn’t quite look like her 100%, but it doesn’t matter to me. Yes, I will try to fix a “real” picture of us later on.

My dad passed away 10 years ago on March 12. Oh god, that’s crazy how insanely time flies. Even though I didn’t have the best father/daughter relationship with him, I still miss him.

The downside with this picture is that AI gave him my jeans vest and not his rockabilly jacket or whatever you call it—my dad was a member in an old American driving club.

I’m teaching my son about that culture due to me having grown up in that culture—old American cars such as Cadillacs, Impalas, etc. I’m very strict that my son has to learn about that culture at the same time as he is learning the culture of his father.

This is a “family” picture of us. A picture I always dreamed of having but never got. This part is always why I’m thankful for AI. The picture of my mom, my dad, and this picture.

Also having a picture where both of them are holding me and hugging me makes me tear up. Such a beautiful picture of us—yes, I even compliment myself on it even though it doesn’t 100% look like me.

I’m also looking only on to make a phone case with this picture but in those army/not breaking in fall case due to me being so clumsy.

I will forever be thankful for these pictures.

I hate it but on same time I like it

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AI.. A curse but also a blessing. When people use AI to fake people, celebs and all that stuff, its scary. That makes me hating it a lot. But then there is moments when AI is good.

For me an example.. The other day I wanted to try to make an AI picture after Michaela (my friend) made pictures of me hugging my crush from Tokio Hotel. I wanted one with my mother. I asked Michaela if she could do one and she gladly did it! I LOVE THE PICTURE except it didn’t look like mom. I still have it saved and look at it a lot.

So that made me think, can I do one?  So I tried. After what felt like hours I managed to get the AI to make a picture that looks exactly like my mother. I cried. The happiness. The heartbreak. All feelings came at once.

My mom passed away 2019 and I never got a picture together with her because I hate my body, my size etc. But I really wanted one with her. So I tried super hard. Got frustrated. Got Irritated and mad that I didn’t know how to explain for AI how to make one with my mom but few sites later and boom, I got one.

Even though the picture doesn’t look like me, I love it.

That’s the only blessing part with AI, in my eyes. To make memories, make things like mouring easier. To be able to have a picture of yourself hugging someone you love. Someone you miss and everything. That is the only part with AI I like.

I will also try make one with my dad.

But when scammers,  creeps and disgusting etc people use AI to do disturbing pictures or videos..  That’s the part I HATE with AI.

What are your thoughts of AI?

Happy New month!!

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Happy March! I can’t believe that it’s already march! It’s insane! I hope this month will treat me better than what February did. I wish you all a wonderful month!

(oops I forgot the headline – 10.47pm)

thank god for filter. The dark circles under my eyes is a no joke. I really look like a raccoon.

I thought I would do a small little recap of February (of things I remember) just to have for fun something to look back at.

Personal; working on my mental health × have had ups and downs × still working on the medicines and trying to find the right one.

School; sock puppets × exams × me being/acting like a troublemaker (when we pretended to be toddlers in preschool) × painted my face with color during one of the classes × burned my fingers multiple times when crafting

February is a horrible month here in Sweden when it’s actually super common and “typical February” that many become sick. First me for a week and then my son for a week. So that haa been mostly our month. M has actually been sick as well so we all three has been ill.

Fun stuff; This month I have actually been with E a lot more. Laughs, talking crazy accents that took me days to come out from. Traveled to another town over the day to change location a bit. Eaten food at restaurant- well, a pizza shop. I always take burger and E takes kebab.

I have also been social training my son by going on a bus to a big supermarket. It went so, so well! So proud of him! Earlier I (still am) was nervous, scared, and anxious about trying to go out somewhere else with E due to the fact that I never knew when the explosion of emotions would happen. But these two times went super well! We also ate burgers at the pizza shop. He was so well-behaved. So proud! Sure, he tested me like any other child, but overall, I’m super proud!

That was a small little recap of my February. What is your recap?

The time is currently 10.45pm and I’m writing this in bed while listening to calm / soft music which normally makes me irritated etc but this Playlist is ok. Tomorrow is school and I hope I manage to get up in the morning to be able to go.

Alarm goes off in.. 6 hours ish.

So I’m going to say goodnight for now and thank you all so so much for sticking around, checking in, and showing love. ♡

Much love ❤️

Chaos, paint on face, volcano and.. troublemaker

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First day back after two weeks!

Oh my god, my head is tired! I went to school today for the first time after being home for two weeks, and it really takes on my energy and head. Don’t worry, the father had a day off from work, so he was home taking care of E.

Today we did a volcano that I have only seen in movies and series—a VOLCANO! Well, I didn’t participate in the design of making it, etc., but I participated today as a “teacher,” showing kindergarten kids what happens if you mix different ingredients, etc. I barely did any talking because I was focused on taking videos and pictures because it was so much fun! And something new!

When a group was giving their presentations, the rest of us had to pretend to be kindergarten children, and if you know me, I went ALL IN. Everyone was those quiet, non-troublemaker, so I was the loudest, troublemaker child. Haha!

Heck, I even painted on my face because some kids do that. I really went all in on the character.

Just a little bit of paint, and oh my god, the reaction my skin got after! Burning, itching, and awful. So when I came home, I cleaned it better (only used soap and water in school) with facial cleaning water and put moisturizer on.

Due to the bad lightning and me trying to fix the lightning of the picture, the black mooshed out paint doesn’t show.

Another group gave us assignments to make animals of toilet paper rolls, and I did a bat, but during lunch break I was bored, so I tried to make a spider and paint it. I will take a picture tomorrow if it. I didn’t finish any of them though, haha! I didn’t have time!

The third group had dancing, etc. We got to dance to different songs and try yoga positions, and oh my god, I now know I am old when my hip and arm hurt. Lol!

So; First making animals of paper rolls. Then our volcano experiment and last dance time.

This was my Monday. Crazy fun, but oh my, the energy is gone on me and the headache. No joke! Haha! But it was a fun day in school, but I realized that I have missed so many fun things they have done for these past two weeks.

I hope you all have / had a wonderful Monday!

Much love ♡

Past two weeks has been crazy

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school, flu, stomach bugs, studies on hold and still in new medicines trying stage.

So, I have been quiet. Reason; above. I have been home from school for two weeks now. First I had the flu and now son had stomach bug and flu on same time. He is still not 100% so I will probably keep him home next week as well.

School; before I became sick we had a theater with sockpuppets.  We were three groups and everyone picked each story the teacher gave us as option. We could all have picked same but we all decided to do one of each.

My group did a skit about a child stealing a toy from another child who were playing with it. (All these stories were about solving conflicts between children in daycare/preschool). We were three in my group ~ I & D. I was the child who had the toy first and D was the teacher / mediator.. Me? I was the troublemaker.  Haha! I said over and over again that I was gonna be that child.

Everyone in the class had these easy conflict-solving skills, and here I came with an attitude, making car sounds and playing around. Stealing the toy whenever the other children ( I) took it back or the teacher had it.

The class laughed because I REALLY lived into the character and my teacher laughed as well.

The week after the flu struck. I was completely knocked out the entire week. Luckily E wasn’t home for a few days, so I could recover and rest a bit. Saturday night, stomach flu struck. This time, on E and the day after, the flu. So it has been a crazy weekend plus week.

Studies are on hold due to me being knocked out and my son being super ill; I haven’t been able to study one single bit. Hopefully on Monday I can go back to school and I can start with my studies again.

Still in the trying-stage of new medicines.

Yeah, you read right, and like I have written several times, I’m keeping this blog raw and authentic.

I’m still in the trying stage, or whatever to actually call it. I have my dips and downs, but I’m working hard to get better. Slowly at the moment to not rush my head to a major massive crash.

Much love ♡